


Frozen Lake

by kola21



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Drabble, F/M, Humanstuck, M/M, One Shot, Sadstuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-06
Updated: 2014-05-06
Packaged: 2018-01-23 17:58:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1574525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kola21/pseuds/kola21
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kankri is pursing his lips, and it isn't the usual disapproving purse that happens when a racial slur slips out of your lips, or the kind that happens when you hit a bulls-eye on something he's trying to keep hidden. Instead, his lips are so thin, they are almost like the ice you treaded on to get here.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Frozen Lake

Kankri is pursing his lips, and it isn't the usual disapproving purse that happens when a racial slur slips out of your lips, or the kind that happens when you hit a bulls-eye on something he's trying to keep hidden. Instead, his lips are so thin, they are almost like the ice you treaded on to get here. It isn't light-hearted, and you are sure that anyone in a five mile radius can feel a chill running down their backs at this moment. His eyes stare at you with a slow contempt, an ice that chills you and makes you shiver. You can't bear to look at him for more than a couple seconds at a time, so instead you just watch the table.

                Wow have you fucked up big time. You know it, and you definitely know he knows it. It makes you sick. This whole ordeal makes you sick. It makes you sick and angry and, most of all, scared. You don't think you have ever been more scared in your life. Not even the time when you almost drowned in the frozen lake before your dad pulled you out of the water. Heck, that experience was warm and benign compared to the freezing, dead look you are getting from your boyfriend. Probably soon to be your ex-boyfriend. You think you want to cry, but you don't, you can't, the tears won't come. Perhaps they are all frozen inside your body, making your every limb heavy and cold.

                You see from the corner of your eye movement, and your eyes dart up to him, stomach clenching. It's not anything drastic; he's now looked away from you. Logically, this should make you feel better. The icy stare causing you grief has turned to face something else, thus bringing the chill off of you. But it only makes it worse. You can feel your heart start to beat erratically, your hands and feet turning numb. You're panicking. You're drowning. This freezing water around you sucks you in and you feel like you need to resurface, you need to breathe, you need to say _something_.

                Your mouth opens to say something, something to fix everything and make it all okay again. To return to yesterday morning would have been bliss for you at this point. No words come out, because you couldn't decide what to say fast enough before your brain commanded your yapper to open. You sit there for a second, like a chump, before closing your mouth and letting your two shaking hands come together to hug each other while you squirm trying to find something to fix this. But you know you can't fix this, and you want to vomit. You let your fingers fiddle with your rings for a moment before opening your mouth again and trying to squeeze out whatever you can. Which turns out to be nothing, unfortunately. Your throat closes, betraying you in your endeavors to save your sinking relationship, and after a couple seconds of silent struggle, you force out a constipated,

                "Hey, Kankri?"

                "Yes?" comes the curt, cold, cutting reply. You knew it was coming, but knowing doesn't lessen the jab your heart receives, or cure you of the thickening, sickening plop in your stomach.

                "About, uh," you swallow solidly, now wishing he'd look at you with those brown-grey eyes that were so beautiful when they were truly smiling, even if they would never smile at you again, "about... last night."

                Fuck, would you like a cigarette right now, but you ran out just before Kankri got here, because you were nervous and smoked them all. You only had five left in the pack anyway, so it wasn't like you had smoked the whole package, but Kankri still lectured you on it briefly when he saw the empty box on the coffee table this morning. For a moment, you had almost hoped he had not heard about your complete and utter screw up, but then you watched him creep back into himself and freeze himself over like the smooth surface of a lake in negative temperatures. That had been the moment that you knew you had fucked up to the point of no return. There had been some fuck ups before of course, sometimes you had pushed a little too far out of Kankri's comfort zone and he had left, or you had said something that offended him, but this was indeed the mother of all fuck ups.

                "About... uh, what happened..." you press on, because there are no words slipping out of Kankri's mouth like they always did, and it is terrifying you.

                "I'm, look, I'm real sorry,"

                "I'm sure you are," he cuts you off before you can finish your whole sentence and you flinch.

                "I really am, babe, I didn't mean for it to happen, honest," you plead, feeling the excuses starting to tumble out but knowing that each one, no matter how hard you wish they could change the situation, will only feel like bullshit.

                And you swallow again, wondering if you dare reach out and try to turn him toward you because he isn't looking at you and, _Jesus Christ,_ it's killing you. At the same time though, you feel as if you shouldn't touch him. As if you were some vile creature and he some pure angel.

                If you were actually thinking about this analogy right now, you would probably grimace, because that is exactly what you are. You are the scum of the Earth and you wish your existence on this Earth was never started to begin with, because you just destroyed your bond with your only true friend and probably also shitted pretty badly on any hopes of any kind of lasting relationship. Kankri was the best boyfriend you had ever had, you couldn't have asked for better. All your life all you did was search and search and search for someone that could get rid of this ripping, gaping, loneliness you'd felt for so long. This was the one thing you should have treasured most, the one thing you should have held on to for as long as you could. Instead, you fucking screwed up and now you're going to lose everything.

                Most of all though, you hurt him. You knew he was fragile, and you had worked long and hard at teasing him out from his shell. He had trusted you, and you shat all over that too.

                Your fists clenched as your anger at yourself peaked and you gritted your teeth to not lash out at your boyfriend. You had done enough to slaughter your relationship already.

                The two of you must have been silent for a long time, because when Kankri spoke up, you felt the adhesion of your lips to one another.

                "It doesn't matter if you didn't mean it or not, it still happened," his voice is more flat and dead than you have ever heard it.

                "Yeah..." you utter deep in your throat, a low rumble of regret, all of the anger balling itself up and sitting heavily on your heart.

                A pause again.

                "Is there anythin' I can do to make it up to you?" you croak softly, and he doesn't respond for several minutes.

                He does not answer the question, as an alternative he presents a question,

                "Why did you do it?"

                You shake your head, because there are no words for what you did. There was no reason, no reason of any value anyway. You look down now, shamefully.

                "Cronus, I want a reason," he presses.

                You grit your teeth and look back up at him, expecting to see only one half of his face, but he is looking straight at you with those cold eyes. They pierce you and you are momentarily stunned, but it isn't their chilled qualities that hurt you this time. This time it is the thin wafer of pain you can see behind them. Kankri is really hurting. He is hurting because of you.

                You let the words tumble from your mouth instantly.

                "I was angry from our fight and instead of goin' home I went to a bar and got slammed and I was so stupid and instead of going home, I chatted up some ladies and fuck, I was just so pent up and feelin' spiteful that I just kept stayin' there and buyin' them drinks and eventually everythin' got really fuzzy and then all I remember doin' is wakin' up with one of them girls and fuck, I'm such a piece of shit, I'm sorry Kankri. I'm sorry."

                Another dreadful pause. Then he turned from you, and stood up with only a single, quiet, "Thank you."

                And then he left.

**Author's Note:**

> A little drabble I wrote for fun, unbeta'd.  
> Don't usually write things like this but ;;;;


End file.
